Two Plus Two Makes Crazy Read online

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  _Walt Sheldon is bitter-bright in this imaginative short satire of Man's sell-out by a group of staunch believers in the infallibility of numbers._

  two plus two makes crazy

  _by ... Walt Sheldon_

  The Computer could do no wrong. Then it was asked a simple little question by a simple little man.

  The little man had a head like an old-fashioned light bulb and a smilethat seemed to say he had secrets from the rest of the world. He didn'ttalk much, just an occasional "Oh," "Mm" or "Ah." Krayton figured hemust be all right, though. After all he'd been sent to Computer City bythe Information Department itself, and his credentials must have beenchecked in a hundred ways and places.

  "Essentially each computer is the same," said Krayton, "but adjusted totranslate problems into the special terms of the division it serves."

  Krayton had a pleasant, well-behaved impersonal voice. He was in histhirties and mildly handsome. He considered himself a master of thetechnique of building a career in Computer City--he knew how to staywithin the limits of directives and regulations and still makedecisions, or rather to relay computer decisions that kept hisresponsibility to a minimum.

  Now Krayton spoke easily and freely to the little man. As public liaisonofficer he had explained the computer system hundreds of times. He knewit like a tech manual.

  "But is there any _real_ central control, say in case of a breakdown orsomething of that sort?" The little man's voice was dry as lava ash, dryas the wastes between and beyond the cities. Tanter, was the name he'dgiven--Mr. Tanter. His contact lenses were so thick they made his eyesseem to bulge grotesquely. He had a faint stoop and wore a black tunicwhich made his look like one of the reconstructed models of prehistoricbirds called crows that Krayton had seen in museums.

  "Of course, of course," said Krayton, answering the question. "It'snever necessary to use the _All_ circuit. But we could very easily incase of a great emergency."

  "The _All_ circuit? What is that?" Mr. Tanter asked.

  Krayton gestured and led the little man down the long control bank.Their steps made precise clicks on the layaplast floor. The stainlesssteel walls threw back tinny echoes. The chromium molding glistened,always pointing the way--the straight and mathematical way. They were inthe topmost section of the topmost building of Computer City. Theseveral hundred clean, solid, wedding-cake structures of the town couldbe seen from the polaflex window.

  "The _All_ circuit puts every machine in the city to work on anyselection-problem that's fed into our master control here. Each machinewill give its answer in its own special terms, but actually they willall work on the same problem. To use a grossly simple example, let ussay we wish to know the results of two-and-two, but we wish to know itin terms of _total security_. That is, we wish to know that two-plus-twomeans twice as many nourishment units for the Department of Foods, twiceas many weapons for the Department of War, but is perhaps notnecessarily true according to the current situational adjustment in theDepartment of Public Information.

  "At any rate, we would set up our problem on the master, pushing thebutton _Two_, then the button _Plus_, and the button _Two_ again as on aprimitive adding machine. Then we would merely throw the _All_ switch. Ashort time later the total answer to our problem would be relayed backfrom every computer, and the cross-comparison factors canceled out, sothat we would have the result in terms of the familiar _VerdictStatement_. And, as everyone knows, the electronically filed _VerdictStatements_ make the complete record of directives for the behavior ofour society."

  "Very interesting," said Mr. Tanter, the little crow-like man. Heblinked rapidly, stared at the switch marked _All_ that Krayton waspointing out to him.

  Krayton now folded his hands in front of his official gold-and-blacktunic, looked up into the air and rocked gently back and forth on hisheels as he talked. He was really talking to himself now although heseemed to address Tanter. "You can see that the Computer System is quiteunder our control in spite of what these rebellious, underground groupssay."

  "Underground groups?" asked Mr. Tanter mildly. Just his left eye seemedto blink this time. And the edge of his mouth gave the veriest twitch.

  "Oh, you know," said Krayton, "the organization that calls itself thePrims. Prim for Primitive. They leave little cards and pamphlets arounddamning the Computer System. I saw one the other day. It had a big titlesplashed across it: OUR NEW TYRANT--THE COMPUTER. The article complainedthat some of the new labor and food regulations were the result ofconscious reasoning on the part of The Computer. Devices to build theComputer bigger and bigger and bigger at the expense of ordinaryworkers. You know the sort of thing."

  "But it is true that the living standard is going down all the time,isn't it?" asked Mr. Tanter, keeping his ephemeral smile. "What aboutthose three thousand starvation deaths up in Hydroburgh?"

  Krayton waved an impatient hand. "There will always be problems likethat here and there." He turned and stared almost reverently at the longcontrol rack. "Be thankful we have The Computer to solve them."

  "But the deaths were due to diverting that basic carbon shipment downhere to Computer City for computer-building, weren't they?"

  "Now, there--you see how powerful the propaganda of the Prims can be?"Krayton put his hands on his hips. "That statement is not true! Itsimply isn't true at all! It was analyzed on The Computer some days ago.Here, let me show you." He took several steps down the corridor againand stopped at another panel.

  "We first collected from the various departments--Food, Production,Labor and so forth--all the _possible_ causes of the starvation deathsin Hydroburgh. Computer Administration had its machine translate theminto symbols. We're getting a huge new plant and machine addition overat Administration, by the way.

  "At any rate, we simply registered all the possible causes with theMaster Computer, threw in this circuit marked _Validity Selector_. Outof all those causes The Computer picked the one that was most valid. TheHydroburgh tragedy was due to lack of foresight on the part ofHydroburgh's planners. If they'd had a proper stockpile of basic carbonthe thing never would have happened."

  "But no community ever stockpiles," said the little man.

  "That," said Krayton, "doesn't alter the fundamental fact. The Computernever lies." He drew himself up stiffly as he said this. Then abruptlyhe consulted the chronometer on the far wall.

  "Excuse me just a moment, Mr. Tanter," he said. "It's time to feed thedaily tax computation from Finance. We have to start a little earlier onthat these days--the new taxes, you know."

  As Krayton moved off Tanter's thin smile widened just a little. As soonas Krayton was out of sight he stepped with his odd, crow-like stride tothe numerical panel, punched two-plus-two, then adjusted the Operationspointer to HOLD. After that he punched three-plus-one, and HOLD oncemore.

  He moved over to the _Validity Selector_, switched the numerical panelin, closed the circuit.

  In his dry voice he murmured to the whole control rack: "Three-plus-onemakes four, two-plus-two makes four. Three-plus-one, two-plus-two--tellme which is really true."

  All through the master computer relays clicked and tubes glowed as theproblem was sent to all the sub-computers in their own special terms.Food, Production, Labor, Public Information, War, Peace, Education,Science and so forth.

  All over Computer City the solenoids moved their contacts and thefilaments turned cherry red. Oscillating circuits hummed silently tothemselves in perfect Q. The life warmth of hysteresis pulsed andthrobbed along wires and channels. _Three-plus-one, two-plus-two--tellme which is really true._ The problem criss-crossed in and out, around,about, c
hecking, cross-checking, re-checking as The Computer 'thought'about the problem.

  Which was really true?

  Even before Krayton returned parts of The Computer had begun to get redhot. It hummed in some places and in the other places relays going backand forth in indecision made an unhealthy rattling noise.

  Little Mr. Tanter beamed happily to himself as he recalled the words ofan old directive The Computer itself had issued in the matter of publicthought control. _When a brain is faced with two absolutely equalalternatives complete breakdown invariably results._

  Mr. Tanter kept smiling and rocked back and forth on his feet as Kraytonhad done. Before nightfall The Computer would be a useless andoverheated mass of plastic and metal!

  He took a printed folder from his pocket and casually dropped it on thefloor where someone would be sure to find it. It was one of thepamphlets the Prims were always leaving around.

  Transcriber's Note:

  This etext was produced from _Fantastic Universe_ March 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and typographical errors have been corrected without note.